Pensive
by macabrebabydoll
Summary: Severus has a hard time being alone at Christmas.


Christmastime was upon Hogwarts once again. Everyone had gone home for vacation, except for Professor Snape. It was much the same as every other Christmas he'd spent there over the past years. With no potions to brew, no bratty kids to yell at, no one to sneer at, no one to ignore, he had a lot of time on his hands. There was nothing to do but remember…

For the first three nights he'd tried to keep himself busy. He prepared lessons for the beginning of the next year's classes. He wrote up all the homework sets for the lessons, too. The three nights after that, after running out of work, he tried to wash his thoughts away with black russians. But he couldn't do either the night after that. He still felt slightly sick from that morning's hangover, and the thought of doing any sort of work made it worse.

He had tried to put it off, but he knew from the many Christmas's past that he couldn't put it off forever. He put his heavy wool cloak on and made his way slowly through the cold castle to the room of requirement. Shutting the door behind him, he took a deep breath to prepare for the nights that were about to unfold. He closed his eyes and felt for the thin, silk sheet and pulled until he heard it fall to the floor. When he got up the courage to look, his black gaze fell on a familiar pair of deep green eyes. "Lily…" he whispered. Everything he'd tried to hide from himself for the whole year came flooding into his mind, her eyes breaking the dam of his will. Severus sank to the floor, unable to stand up, and stayed there until the sun came up, then went to his room to sleep.

When he woke up the sun was just setting. He could tell from the pale, green light coming through the underwater window. The color made his heart contract. After laying in bed for an hour or so, he got up and went straight to the pensive. He put his wand to his temple and pulled out a memory. He knew he'd regret it later, but he couldn't help it. The tall, awkwardly handsome man bent down until the tip of his long, hooked nose touched the water and he was transported into the past.

It was his third year at Hogwarts, Christmas. He had been listening to people walking by as he kept his face buried in a book. Everyone was going home, everyone but him. What a surprise, he'd be alone, like that was any different than any other day. Sometimes he wished he had a friend. But remembering he had none gave him a bitter taste in his mouth, and he no longer wanted them. Just then someone tapped him on the shoulder. When he looked up to see who it could possibly be, he locked eyes with the beautiful Lily Evans.

"Hey…" _Why is she talking to me? _"Are you staying over the holidays?" He couldn't find his voice to answer, so he nodded instead. "Well, I am too. My parents are going to the Bahamas and ditching me." She rolled her eyes. "Maybe we can get to know each other a little better."

"Yeah!" _Too enthusiastic._ "Uh… maybe I'll see you around. I got a lot of studying to do."

"Right, I guess I do too." They stood there awkwardly for a second. "Well, see you later." She waved to him over her Griffindor-scarved shoulder. He waved back with his Slytherin gloves. Severus always felt so out of place around her. She radiated light and warmth, he brought a chill and a shadow with him everywhere. She was petit and curvy, he was tall and gangly. And she had those open-book, green eyes, where his were bottomless pools of black ink.

He spent most of that night and the next morning trying to clean himself up for her. He washed his greasy hair and face with extra care. He also tried parting his hair differently to make it look fuller, but soon gave up on that. He took out a fresh shirt and pair of pants, and for the first time used an anti-wrinkle charm on them.

Sure enough, she was sitting there at the one table left for the holidays when he went down for breakfast. He sat opposite her. They said hello, talked about the snow the school got overnight, and then fell silent as they ate. Or more accurately, as she ate. Severus only had a large mug of black coffee and a couple pieces of plain toast which he didn't even finish.

"So, I'm going to the lake today if you want to come," she invited. He accepted of course. When he met her, she was bundled up in her longest, thickest, black cloak, scarf, mittens, and hat. He thought, for once she looked cold. He got a strange feeling, fear maybe? He didn't want to turn her into him. He may have only been thirteen, but he wasn't much different than he is today. All he wanted was to hold her, to try to make her warm again, but he knew he couldn't.

She pulled him out of his thoughts by throwing a friendly snowball at him. It sure got his attention, and even made him laugh. "_No one_ throws a snowball at a me and gets away with it," he growled with his velvety voice. He gathered up some snow and packed it into a fluffy sphere. He aimed at her stomach where it wouldn't fall into her clothes and make her sick later. She gave an adorable squeal as it hit her, which made him smile yet again.

It was too painful, Severus pulled back and fell to the floor sobbing. Once he pulled himself together, he wandered down to the great hall for some sustenance. He was going to need his strength. He decided on a cup of black coffee and two pieces of plain toast, which he didn't finish. Afterward he went to the lake and stared for a long time into the water, wishing none of it had ever happened. He sat on the bank for at least two hours before getting up, throwing a snowball into the freezing water and walking back to the castle.

They met everyday that vacation. They would have meals together, go to the lake, or if they were feeling rebellious they would take a walk in the forbidden forest. Only during the daytime of course, Severus wouldn't let her in there at night. Lily invited Severus up to the Griffindor common room, and he invited her down to the Slytherin common room. Neither of them had set foot on enemy territory before, but both enjoyed seeing the differences in the rooms. Severus liked that their room looked out over the wide open grounds, and Lily liked that the other room had a window into the bottom of the lake.

Lilly loved the lake, all lakes really. Swimming was one of her favourite things to do. On a hot summer day it was refreshing, and on a cool summer day she'd have the beach to herself. Severus wasn't good at swimming and generally avoided it, his lack of body fat made floating difficult. But he did enjoy sitting on a bench and simply looking at the water. The same way he enjoys most things, from a distance.

When Lily was killed he couldn't stand the window, or spending the day looking at the ocean. The greenish waters were the exact color of her eyes. Even more than that, he hated looking Harry in the eye, something that brought him closer to those painful memories. He made a note to himself that the memories themselves were not painful, no she had been the only person to treat him well. But that's what made them hurt. If she had never tapped him on the shoulder, he wouldn't feel this way now. Perhaps that's why, even more than before, he shut people out. He didn't want to care for another person, just to have them ripped away.

He wished there was a way to rid himself of all the memories of Lily and the love she showed him. It was hard work avoiding places, things and situations that reminded him of her. The pain had increased a little every year since she died, but this year was unbearable. He knew what he had to do. He raised his wand to his temple. Just one word, _obliviate_, the word to make it stop was on the tip of his tongue. But then he remembered her smile, did he really want to forget that? And her laugh? As much as it hurt, his hand started to tremble. He dropped his wand and choked back a sob. If he did this, he'd be killing part of what kept her alive in some feeble way. That night Severus decided he would rather live the rest of his life in pain than to destroy the memory of such a kind and wonderful person.

That night he cast a patronus and watched the silvery doe wander around the room, and tried his hardest to remember Lily and be happy.


End file.
